I remember taking a quiz in one of my college classes that
was to determine if our personality types were more A, B, or C. The examples
our professor gave to explain these types related to how they deal with
conflict.
She gave the example of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend
making plans with you and showing up hours late.
When the late friend finally showed up to pick the type-A person
up-this type would blow up and likely say some harsh words to the friend- and
then be done with the conflict and not think about it again. I think of this as
geyser-like coping. They explode-and then return to a normal state and move on
with their lives.
In contrast-it was explained that type-B personality types
would likely react differently. One of these individuals would have probably
looked at their watch and turned on a movie until the person arrived. When
their friend came they would just leave with them and not be angry- maybe
they’d ask what held the person up, but they would also move on with their
life. I think of this as highway drive-coping. You see something obstructing
the road and you move a little so as not to hit it. You’re delayed by traffic
and instead of losing your cool you crank up the music and roll down the
windows.
---I recall listening to these explanations and seeing that
while both personality types handled life issues differently, they seemed to
have adapted and have some resolve in the conflict. I looked down at my quiz
and noticed that I ranked as a C type personality.
I remember my professor saying something along the lines of,
“And now the C type personality. You are all the ones most likely to die of a
heart attack.”
Ouch. Really? That’s just great. I did a mental survey; I
don’t like anger-I think yelling is highly unproductive. I saw myself as more
non-confrontational, like the B personality type-not saying something harsh to
a person who hurt me----but the professor went on.
It was described that this type is the one who when the late
friend knocks on the door and apologizes for being late-this person will be
cool and hard. If asked if everything is alright, they’d abruptly say, “Fine”
and then not be as open and “normal” with their friend the whole rest of the
night. This person, weeks down the road, would be in the midst of an argument
with this friend and all of a sudden bring up “that time 2 weeks ago when you
were hours late to pick me up” along with a myriad of other frustrations they
had harbored. I think of this as somatic coping. The heart attack statistic
made sense. I’ve been that person to file something away, think I was doing
something right by not expressing frustration-but yet thinking about it and
then bringing my concerns up at a much later date.
This- is passive aggression. This is when you’re around a
person who has hurt you and you don't act "violently" against them-but are not as expressive or kind-not “normal” around them. This is when
you see a person who hurt you and your heart actually pounds in your chest at
seeing them. This is that thought that occurs in your mind as the person
reaches out to you and you think over and over through previous hurts you’ve
felt through interactions with them.
Unfortunately, I’ve lived it, felt it, and thought it. I
finally have identified the behavior for what it is and I’m working to
eliminate it from my life. Some issues with being passive aggressive:
1. It’s nasty.
You’ve probably experience someone
being sickeningly “nice” to you. You couldn’t pin anything wrong about their
behavior but you can sense there is something-whether it be hurt,
anger-something behind the way they act towards you. Maybe it’s that it’s not
genuine behavior that makes it so nasty. This behavior often prompts those
close to us to attempt to “beg” out of us what is wrong.
I think one of the most
frustrating things to experience in a relationship or interaction with someone
else is fakeness and insincerity. It’s unattractive and unappealing behavior.
2. It hurts others.
SO much of the way we act affects those around us and
passive aggression can hurt deeply those we come in contact with.
That moment when harsh words are thrown out to someone super
close to you-because inside your thoughts, your heart, and even your body are
consumed with the burden of a situation.
That time when you drive unsafely and endanger yourself and
others as you try to understand a situation in your mind.
Additionally, I hurt when I see my family and friends
hurting. I feel like holding on to passive aggression takes some happiness away
from those we love.
3. It hurts you.
Passive aggression can have somatic outcomes. For
some the whole mind/body/soul connection seems very close. When your heart and
mind are hurting, one’s literal heart can seem to react with pounding and
irregular beating. It can actually be scary.
The Mayo Clinic Staff write about some of the
benefits to letting go of such aggression,
“Letting go of grudges and
bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can
lead to:
•
Healthier relationships
•
Greater spiritual and
psychological well-being
•
Less anxiety, stress and
hostility
•
Lower blood pressure
•
Fewer symptoms of
depression
•
Lower risk of alcohol and
substance abuse”
By allowing passive aggression to permeate our lives we are perhaps
trying to find a remedy to a hurt, trying to control pain, and perhaps seeking
restitution for the hurt we have experienced. By holding in this pain we might
be trying to cause less destruction-we’re not screaming, yelling, or
hitting-but the destruction caused by this behavior can hurt so deeply physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
4. It doesn’t accomplish
anything.
As described in the beginning
example, the person who acts with passive aggression is often storing up hurt
and pain. Eventually it seems to come out verbally, after the person has been
cold and distant and caused more hurt to themselves and others for a period of
time.
The geyser type-A personality can
scare me. Eruptions of anger from others have caused much hurt and pain.
Additionally, the laissez-fair
style of coping of the type B personality isn’t realistic for me. I feel, I
sense, and love people in my life so much that I do want to resolve conflict
and hurt.
The good news?
There is freedom.
What completely changed my outlook
on how I deal with others is the way I’ve been forgiven. The good news in this
situation is the good news that has changed and is changing my life.
From Ephesians 1,
“3 Blessed be the God
and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual
blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He
chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and
blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as
sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His
will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely
bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In Him we have redemption through
His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His
grace 8 which He lavished on us.”
God forgiving me, loving me, and lavishing His grace on me
changes the way I see the hurt and pain I experience from what others do.
I am guilty of much and yet, God has shown me what true love
is through Jesus Christ. I see what love really is based on what I have seen
from Him; forgiveness from the sin in my life from a perfect God to a selfish,
imperfect human.
This love compels me to face passive
aggression.
I love that the Bible gives practical
advice about resolving conflict. From Matthew 18,
“15 “If
your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you,
you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you,
take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses
every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them,
tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him
be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
As one who tends to shy away from confrontation, I
have seen great results from going to someone and talking with them about the
way I feel about a situation. Using words like,
“ I don’t know what you meant, but I felt ______
when _____ happened or when you said
____”
Sometimes miscommunication has occurred and I took something in a way
it wasn’t meant to be communicated-and sometimes a person meant what they said and we
have an opportunity to talk about it.
Sometimes by dealing with an issue, a change happens
in the relationship; sometimes 2 people become closer and sometimes they become
farther apart. This can be painful; however, as situations tend to come out
eventually, I find that even if pain is to be experienced in a conflict it is
better to face it-rather than creating destruction with passive aggression.
For those of us who struggle with being passive
aggressive, this change in dealing with life is not always easy. I often find myself proactively thinking about not acting passively aggressive and loving others.
Let us remember, “9 Let love be
without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9
As
for me, I’m working on loving and letting go.
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